


up where they stay all day in the sun

by ruthvsreality



Category: Crooked Media RPF
Genre: Closeted Character, Coming Out, Gay News, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-20 22:08:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21063959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruthvsreality/pseuds/ruthvsreality
Summary: Dan is gay. Just... only in San Francisco.After Lovett sees, he has some trouble returning to Los Angeles.





	up where they stay all day in the sun

**Author's Note:**

> Written shortly following National Coming Out Day 2019.

Dan doesn’t advertise himself as queer, but in San Francisco it’s just... easier. 

He meets a guy his first week there, and the little voice in his head says  _ no one here knows or cares who you are. You can be whoever you want to be.  _

The guy’s name is Alex. By the time Dan’s fully settled into his apartment in San Francisco, he’s absolutely smitten. 

Kissing guys is so much fun! Dan loves how everything feels new and unique. The scratchiness, the muskiness, the intensity sometimes. 

And yet, when Jon asks him how life is going in San Francisco... Dan doesn’t mention Alex. 

He’s just - what if they treat him differently? It’s one thing to know you’re gay at 16. It’s another to know at 43.

(Dan knew at 16. But the point still stands.)

\---

“You are hilarious on your podcast, dude,” Chrissy says. She’s another friend Dan made in San Francisco. (How could he not make friends with someone who goes to the gym in rainbow leggings?) “You and Lovett should do a routine together.”

“Uh, I don’t know how that would work.” Dan leans over and stabs at one of her tater tots with his fork. “I’m more of the straight man of the group.” 

“You’re hardly straight,” Dylan says. He’s reaaaaaally cute. He’s got a very.... elder gay vibe. (He’s fifty and he’s the manager of the cafe next door to the gym.) “and you and Lovett - you’re, like, the gays of the group.” 

“Not true - there’s another podcast.” 

“You know what he means.” Chrissy takes a sip of her drink. “I just think you’re funny and you shouldn’t limit yourself to not being funny.” 

“I’ll be sure to pitch the idea of a gay political standup duo to Lovett,” Dan quips sarcastically. 

(He does not.)

\---

Dan loves San Francisco. He loves the water, loves the people, loves the music and the sourdough. 

He’s never been to a Pride event before. Certainly nothing like the party thrown at the California Academy of Sciences. Alex - now his ex boyfriend - paints a flag on his cheek. Someone takes a selfie then posts it on Instagram. Dan can’t remember if he reposted it, or if he took the picture himself.

This is where it starts. 

“Beep beep de beep ba deep beep beep beep - gay news,” Lovett says during the livestream on Tuesday. Dan’s in town for a work trip and he offered to sit in. “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....” 

Jon stifles a snicker. “Do you want to talk about how good  _ Chernobyl  _ is? That’s not really gay news, though.” 

“It is! It is...” Lovett searches for a reason to call it gay news, presumably so he doesn’t have to say  _ it's gay news because I’m gay and I enjoy it. _ “Dan!” 

“Yes!” Dan looks up from his phone. 

“How was the Pride party last weekend?” 

Immediately Dan feels his face heat up.  _ He knows he knows he knows he knows -  _

Lovett wouldn’t out him on a livestream, would he? Unless that’s a thing people can do, now. He thought that outing people was, like, not cool, but... but maybe he’s wrong? 

“It was fine. A close friend invited me.” Which isn’t a lie.

“C’mon, give me something more than that! You’re our resident ally correspondent, as of right now.” 

Dan laugh-coughs, half out of relief. “I’m a correspondent?” 

“Yes! For the gay news network.” 

Lovett and Jon look at each other and say at the same time, “GNN!” 

Dan feels a pang.  _ Ally.  _

He’s not an ally. Well, he is, but… can you be an ally of the thing you are? Seems kinda circular. Certainly there is some mathematics term in Lovett's background that explains how something can be both itself and an ally of itself -- or a logic property that specifies that this is completely impossible. 

The weird feeling in Dan’s chest only grows worse the more he thinks about this. He decides to move on.

“It was really, really great. And I met a few friends of the pod!”

\---

Lovett has only just said goodbye to the friend he met up with at Pride in San Francisco when he turns and sees Dan Pfeiffer… looking _ different.  _

For a moment, he doesn’t understand - this is Dan?  _ His  _ Dan? Dan, who has his shoulders back, who’s smiling, who’s wearing a Sixers t-shirt with the logo in rainbow colors, who looks young and comfortable and relaxed and happy and beautiful?

Lovett can’t quite put his finger on what’s changed. Dan just looks nothing like what Lovett’s used to. There’s no slouch, no little pout, no hint of irony or cynicism in his expression. But it’s not just the absence of those things - there are new elements that Lovett can see, even from a few feet away. It’s something in the way he walks - like a weight has been taken off of him. 

There’s a bit of glitter in his hair. What is this? What is happening?    
  
Lovett steps a little closer, pushing through the crowd of people. No, that’s definitely Dan. It figures that in all of San Francisco, they’d meet up. Since when does Dan go to so many Pride events? You’d think he would have mentioned it. 

Lovett suddenly gets the feeling that maybe he’s doing something wrong. He’s Dan’s friend, sure - but he’s, like. A friend from work. And friends from work probably shouldn’t be casually stalking their coworkers, mostly because stalking is Bad and Wrong, and also because Dan clearly has kept this group of friends separate from his group of friends in Los Angeles for a reason.    
  
That’s fine. Dan’s allowed to have different circles of friends.    
  
Lovett keeps following him at a short distance.

He knows he shouldn’t, but when Dan and his group of friends turn into a restaurant after the parade, Lovett sneaks in behind them. 

This is too good. It’s too much - Lovett sits and watches as Dan holds court with six other people, some of whom have dyed hair, one of whom is wearing a leather collar. 

These are Dan’s friends? Dan doesn’t have cool friends! 

Lovett manages to sit nearby enough that he can eavesdrop without arousing suspicion.  _ As soon as I find an opening, I’ll say hi, and then I’ll leave. Totally normal. It’s like the first time we met, at the department store. It’ll be a little awkward, but it’s nice to say hi to Dan.  _

“I’m saying it’s not easy - I want to dismiss all the stupid rainbow capitalism stuff, but, like, my mom would probably feel a lot better if her bank was pro-gay, you know?” Dan shrugs and takes a sip of water. To his left, a woman takes a big pink fan out of her purse and begins to wave it, first at herself, then at Dan, who welcomes the breeze.

When Lovett talks to Dan about gay rights, he talks down to him, because that’s what you need to do with straight people. He says things like  _ nuclear family _ and  _ the image of gay people you see in media _ and  _ it has to do with how queer people are still divided by class.  _

He knows Dan’s smart. Of course Dan’s smart. Dan’s a fucking genius. 

If you had told him Dan knew what  _ rainbow capitalism _ meant, or that Dan had any opinions on the topic, Lovett would have said you were crazy.

“Do you think you could maybe speak at the youth event on Friday?” The woman leans back in her chair slightly. 

“Maybe - I’d have to ask -“ he turns to the man to his right, “this one if he doesn’t mind postponing date night.” 

The guy laughs - he’s older, has a bit of grey in his hair. He’s wearing a t-shirt that says KAMALA in bi pride colors. His glasses are the big square kind that remind Lovett of old ‘80s movies.

“I think I can make the sacrifice for the greater good, as long as you make it up to me.” 

The guy then leans over and plants a big kiss on Dan’s mouth.

Lovett spills his drink all over the table, the glass rolling off and clattering to the floor. Everyone turns to look at him. 

Including Dan. 

“Lovett?” 

_ Fuck. _

Lovett is on fire. As in there must literally be flames licking his cheeks. 

Dan stands, and then has the fucking audacity to come over to Lovett’s table. 

“Uh, hey.” 

Lovett didn’t prepare for this. He has no notes, no jokes, nothing to cover himself. “Hi.” 

“I didn’t know you were in San-Fran.” 

“Well... I am.”  _ Just doing some casual stalking, how about you? _

“Do you want to come say hi to my friends? They’d love to meet you.” 

Lovett feels dizzy. Everything’s upside down. “And your - your -“ 

He can’t help it - he glances over at the guy, with the grey hair, whose lips had touched Dan’s. 

When he looks back, Dan’s face is stony and apprehensive. 

“You saw.” 

Lovett feels like maybe he’s speaking some sort of ancient spell when he says, “You weren’t hiding it.” 

“No.” Dan glances down at his feet. He sits in the chair across from Lovett, glancing over at the waiter who walks by. “I suppose I wasn’t.” His eyes are too light blue to fit on the rainbow flag - they’re pastel, light, the color of Easter eggs. “But - don’t tell anyone.” 

Lovett feels dread creep up his spine. “Tell?” He gives a little nervous laugh. “Seems like I’m the only one who didn’t know, Dan.” 

“I mean in Los Angeles.” Dan swallows. “I’m not out, over there.” 

Over there. Where Jon and Tommy are. Where Crooked is. 

Where Lovett is. 

“Of course.” Lovett nods. “No problem.” 

Dan gives Lovett a smile guaranteed to give him nightmares - it’s so full of  _ relief. _

“Thank you. Now, do you want to, uh, meet my little family unit?”

\---

Lovett drives back to Los Angeles that night with the names of Dan’s friends rolling around in his head. 

Chrissy, with the pixie cut, who works at a recording studio specializing in Christian Rock artists. 

Gavin, who did Riverdance once. 

John (with an H) who is a self proclaimed communist and who teaches theatre at the local prison. 

Susan, who works for a civil rights nonprofit and dressed up as the Statue of Liberty for pride. 

And David, who owns a Prius and works in pharmaceuticals and would be so unbelievably boring if it weren’t for the fact that he’s dating Dan Pfeiffer.

He’s older. Lovett can’t get over that. 

Dan is already older. Dan’s dating someone who could be Lovett’s father. ( _ There’s _ a weird image.) Dan’s kissed an older guy. A hot older guy, too.

Dan has a family. A family that’s weird and funny and into politics and yet is also completely normal, the same way Jon and Tommy are normal. A family that laughs at Dan’s sarcastic remarks and listens to him rant about Republicans and rolls their eyes at his weird blend of pessimism and hope. 

And yet they know. 

They know what Jon and Tommy do not.

They know, and now Lovett knows.

\---

_ Don’t tell anyone.  _

Lovett gets home and goes over to Jon and Emily’s house to pick up Pundit. 

“Hey!” Emily waves hello, her hands covered in flour. She’s been on a bread making kick lately. 

“Hey.” Lovett moves past her and ignores Jon, who says  _ hey _ and then shrugs when Lovett doesn’t answer. 

“Pundit,” Lovett says, “Pundit, honey, come here.” 

He buries his hands in her fur and hugs her tight once she comes over, excited to see him. 

Under his breath, Lovett murmurs, “Pundit, Dan’s gay.” 

At least now, he’s not the only one in Los Angeles who knows.

\---

Lovett has never been more grateful that Dan doesn’t live in Los Angeles. 

He’s coming more and more often - weirdly splitting his time - but he doesn’t live here. Lovett is grateful. 

Because he thinks he might die if he sees Dan’s face again, and it matches his voice. 

Here’s the thing with Dan. He’s funny, and smart, and capable, and oh so fucking confident - but occasionally he’ll slip into a role he thinks he's supposed to fill. He’ll get boring, and overthink things - he’ll pretend as though he understands the enemy, and can empathize with them, when Lovett already knew nothing could be further from the truth. 

Dan is constantly wondering why Republicans don’t do this, why Republicans don’t do that - as though there’s a rhyme or reason for it. And Lovett sometimes wants to shout at him, there’s no rationality! Stop assuming things should make sense! Stop pretending like these people are going to act normal! They won’t! 

Dan’s not a Republican. He’s not some factory-made establishment Democrat, either. And yet far too often, Lovett hears him play the same games those people play. Lovett hears him assume that everyone will act rationally, and that the good and bad things people do can be weighed equally. 

Dan talks, and talks, and Lovett can hear the suit and tie in his voice. Lovett can hear the carefully crafted remarks, the concern about what others are going to say, the satisfaction in knowing you’ve gently guided someone towards your way of thinking. 

It’s all starting to feel like fucking bullshit. 

Lovett has seen Dan - really  _ seen _ him, now. Seen behind the dedication towards appearing tough, but charming. Seen behind the plain blue button down and the interest in harnessing the power of social media. 

Lovett has seen Dan be...  _ happy.  _

Creative. Energetic. Eager to talk about culture as it relates to politics. Okay with discussing where he fits in, in the grand scheme of things. Able to say  _ fuck you _ to the status quo not only in carefully worded statements, but simply in his existence as a whole. Being queer isn’t a process of persuasion. It’s a truth that demands to be acknowledged. 

When Dan is open and proud and honest, he’s... devastating. 

Lovett doesn’t know if he can go back, any more.

\---

Dan comes into the office more and more these days. Lovett should like this - he likes Dan. 

But it makes things difficult. 

“Because someone on twitter asked me to, and I am nothing if not generous - beep beep ba deep beep - gay news.” Lovett pauses and looks down at his laptop. “What’s news and also gay...” 

“The Shepard Smith thing?” Dan says. 

Jon frowns. “Is he gay?” 

Tommy grins. “Uh oh.” 

Lovett turns comically towards Jon. “Of course he’s gay, Jon, obviously!” He turns to Dan. “Are you sure?” He says seriously.

“Of course I’m sure.” Dan tilts his head in a way that is objectively adorable. “I trust the fine folks at The Advocate, and also just - my own memory. It doesn’t really change anything, though - the thing about Shepard Smith is...” he continues talking, but Lovett feels his own mind buzzing too loudly with thoughts to listen.

Lovett feels very small and alone. 

Dan is gay. Dan is the kind of gay that reads The Advocate. Dan keeps tabs on these sorts of things. Dan has a boyfriend and he probably slept in the same bed with him and read something on The Advocate and - 

There’s a glimpse. A glimpse. Lovett can  _ see _ . 

And he can’t say anything. It’s a secret. 

Dan’s not out. 

_ Don’t tell anyone. _

\---

Lovett feels an ugly emotion start to build in his chest. 

Hate. 

Ugly, horrible, Fox News type of hate. 

He  _ hates _ this version of Dan. 

They’re at a party, something for a mutual friend who seems like he stepped out of the baseball team section of whatever college brochure Tommy came from. The topic turns to sports, and Lovett leans back in his chair at the restaurant and listens to stuff he has absolutely no reference for. 

“No, I mean - you’re totally right - like, I watched this 30 for 30 documentary the other day, about the Red Sox during ‘04, and it really showed how one person can completely change the level of how the whole team is playing.” 

Carter - the friend - nods. “Those docs are so good.” 

“They are! I watched one on ice skating, and then I listened to this podcast where they talked about how racism was an element in this ice skater named  Surya Bonalay ’s career, and yet it's not really definite, because there’s so many little nuances with ice skating judging and scoring that it’s hard to determine what gracefulness means and where you can be objective and where your view changes depending on who you are -“ 

Lovett sees something. 

Dan stops waving his hand animatedly for half a second. He meets Carter’s eyes and sees that they’re glazed over slightly, held at attention mostly out of politeness.

Dan’s smile fades just a little bit. 

“Um. Anyways.” 

“No, definitely.” Carter nods. He then turns to Tommy and says something. 

Lovett knows this isn’t all about Dan’s sexuality. There’s masculinity, and pride in there, too, along with some standard-issue social anxiety. 

But at the end of the day, Dan wouldn’t have stopped talking in San Francisco. He would have kept going, and he would have brought the point back around, looping everyone in and keeping them interested. He’s just a good communicator that way. 

When he’s given the chance. 

Now, Lovett can see when he isn’t. And he hates it. 

“Dan?” Lovett asks. 

Dan turns. “Yeah?” 

“What were you saying about the ice skater?”

They end up talking for nearly three hours - the party dwindles, and Dan gives Lovett a ride home. He sits on Lovett’s couch and waxes lyrical about the intersection between politics, sports, and media narratives, and Lovett hangs on every word. 

This is Dan at his finest. Calm, confident, funny. Comfortable. 

And then Dan says something that puts the whole night over the top. 

“You know,” Dan says, “you should come visit again in San Francisco. Everyone loved you. It’d be fun to have you over to hang out.” 

Lovett falls asleep thinking of the Golden Gate Bridge.

\---

Day after day, two feelings grow in Lovett’s chest. 

The awful, ugly feeling towards whatever has forced Dan to be this...  _ thing _ , that twists himself into a pretzel thinking about Republicans and their strategies, and that only uses basketball as his main talking point, and an insistent, needy feeling to see more of Dan when he’s happy. 

Happy. 

Dan has a really nice smile. It’s even nicer when he’s wearing a shirt that actually brings out his eyes. 

Lovett adores San Francisco. Lovett loves the museums and the music and Dan's friends. Lovett loves that Dan listens to hip hop and dances along to it (He’s so bad at dancing! It’s great!) and Lovett loves that he’s able to recite lines from  _ The Wire _ and Lovett loves that he’s named the bird that’s built a nest in the tree by his living room window. 

It’s not - it’s not like  _ that _ . Lovett isn’t - don’t be ridiculous. 

It’s not like he was falling for Dan before - Dan’s newly revealed sexuality doesn’t change anything. And even if it did change things, it doesn’t mean Lovett has a crush on him or anything. Crushes are for middle schoolers. Lovett is, at the very least, mentally and emotionally in the tenth grade. 

Lovett just likes having a friend. Friends are nice. 

And even if it were... like _ that. _ .. it fucking couldn’t be, because the moment Dan returns to Los Angeles, it all goes away. 

“Kacey wants to know - Dan, Lovett, what is your hair care routine?” Priyanka scratches behind Leo’s ears. 

“Same thing it’s been since Fran Lovett switched us from Head & Shoulders in ‘94,” Lovett jokes. “Dove 2-in-1. That’s how I tame the curls, folks. Though I will say - that includes conditioner - something many people forget.” 

Dan chuckles, his eyes sparkling. 

“And you, Dan?” Priyanka shifts a little on the couch. 

Lovett tried Dan’s shampoo when he stayed over in San Francisco. It’s this lovely organic fruity kind that honestly looked like it might be good on a bagel. Peach blossom or something like that. Dan had the matching conditioner, too, and body wash. It was very neat and tidy, which makes sense - Dan is very neat and tidy.

“Honestly?” Dan just shrugs. “Whatever’s cheapest at the grocery store. I mean - Prell? Pantene? And that doubles as body wash, too, by the way.” 

_ Liar! _ Lovett feels the word on the tip of his tongue. That’s just not true!

\---

“Do you want dessert?” Dan asks. Lovett is once again in his kitchen, six hours away from Los Angeles. (That’s by car; it’s only an hour and a half by plane. Lovett doesn’t mind flying, but if he drives he can take Pundit. Dan even has a little dish for her and some tennis balls that Lovett can throw around.) 

“Will there be after-dinner mints, too?” Lovett jokes. “This is some top-quality service, Pfeiffer.”    
  
“I need the good Yelp reviews,” Dan replies with a smile. “Ice cream sound good?”    
  
“Sure.” Lovett probably doesn’t need the calories, but he also doesn’t need to risk dying in a hospital somewhere at the age of eighty wondering what the ice cream in Dan’s freezer tasted like.

Dan rummages around in the freezer and pulls out a small tub of Neapolitan ice cream. When he opens the lid, Lovett sees a neat gap where nearly all of the strawberry has been scooped out, leaving just the chocolate and vanilla sections.    
  
“You’re a monster,” Lovett teases. He doesn’t know why, but he feels like this detail of Dan’s life fits in perfectly with what he knows about Dan so far. 

“What can I say? I like strawberry.” Dan’s forearms flex a little as he scoops some of the dessert into two little bowls from the cabinet.    
  
“Okay, I can get that,” Lovett concedes. “But - you do know that you can just  _ buy _ strawberry ice cream, right? You can get full tubs of it.”    
  
“I know that! The chocolate and vanilla are for guests. Most of whom don’t like strawberry.” He pushes the bowl towards Lovett and hands him a spoon.    


“It’s for guests, huh?” Lovett resists the urge to make a joke about milkshakes and their bringing of boys to the yard. “Casa del Pfeiffer is a pretty hip place, it sounds like.”    
  
“I have guests over! I have friends over.” Dan’s cheeks are turning pink. He’s so full of laughter. “I have you over.”    
  
“You do.” Lovett savors a spoonful of chocolate ice cream and points his spoon at Dan. “Dan, can I ask a question?”    
  
“You can ask another one, yeah.”    
  
“It’s kind of personal, so - if you don’t want to answer -”    
  
“Jon, just ask the question.” Dan’s expression is easy and calm.    
  
“Why… why older guys?” Lovett tries not to wince at his own question. “Seems like whenever I come across a new… golf buddy of yours, they all seem to…”    
  
“... Have at least ten years on us? Or twenty, in your case.” Dan doesn’t look bothered by the question. “I guess it is a pattern, isn’t it.”    
  
“Kind of. I mean, you don’t need a  _ reason.”  _

“No, but if we’re going to psychoanalyze me…” Dan takes a deep breath and looks thoughtful, his lips wrapping around his spoon for a moment. “I think… in what I do, in what  _ we  _ do, there’s a lot of expectation to be the mentor, you know?”    
  
Lovett nods. “People look to you to lead and teach them.” He saw Dan do that in the White House, and he’s seen him do it at Crooked. Lovett does that, too, when he feels confident enough to do so.    
  
“Right. I guess - this is all very new to me. Relationships where - where I can really put all of myself into it. If I’m with someone who’s been with a guy before… I don’t feel so nervous if I don’t know what I’m doing. I know I have help, I have someone who’s been in the position I’m in.” 

Lovett nods. There’s a little moment of silence; a pause.    
  
Lovett says, “You know, you could have just admitted that you find grey hair sexy. I mean, who among us doesn’t want to fuck Wolf Blitzer, am I right?” 

Dan’s spoon clatters against the bowl as his shoulders shake with laughter.    
  
That night, lying with Pundit next to him on the pull out couch in Dan’s living room, Lovett thinks about what Dan said earlier. 

_ Dan could always come to me for help,  _ Lovett thinks. Sleep is beginning to catch up with him; he snuggles further under the blanket and closes his eyes.    
  
_ I’d help, if he asked.  _

\---

Lovett starts planning more trips to San Francisco. He makes up excuses. He finds friends in the area. 

It’s not a crush. It’s just - it’s just a weird little obsession. Lovett will get over it. Possibly after some more mild stalking. (A joke, a joke! Ronan would not approve.) 

Dan works out in San Francisco. He goes to the gym with a whole group of friends, many of whom look like something out of certain online videos Lovett may or may not watch in his free time. 

Dan has a billion opinions about music, so many that Lovett actually starts listening to the top 40 again. 

Dan is still Dan - still wonky and good at technology and unwilling to get high, even once,  _ c’mon, Dan, you’ll love it  _ \- but he’s... freer, there. 

The sun shines in San Francisco, but only when it’s not foggy. Dan shines all the time, there. 

And then he comes back to L.A. 

And Lovett knows he can’t possibly have a crush on Dan, because  _ this _ Dan is so... boring. 

“I think...” Jon tilts his head. “I think sometimes age differences can be healthy in relationships. You have different perspectives. Emily sees the world differently than I do, partly because we were born at different times.” 

Lovett looks over at Dan. Dan could offer his opinion here - Dan likes older men. He’s dated three, as far as Lovett knows. Alex, David, and... who was the third guy? Dan’s single now, but Lovett is pretty sure there was a third guy.

“I don’t know,” Dan shrugs, “my parents are the same age; it seems helpful to have the same timeframe to reference.” 

Why is Jon allowed to talk about Emily but Dan isn’t allowed to talk about his partners? 

Why isn’t Dan talking about the people he loves? 

_ Why isn’t Dan out? Why isn’t Dan out? Why isn’t Dan out - what could go wrong, why doesn’t he think we’d -  _

Lovett excuses himself to splash cold water on his face.

\----

Lovett is trying his best. He is! He’s being good. 

Don’t tell anyone. 

Lovett tries to appeal to his own narcissism. Thinks  _ isn’t it nice that Dan trusts you? You’re the only one who knows.  _

It doesn’t feel good. It feels like Lovett is part of the dirty little secret. 

He needs to focus. He needs to put this whole thing out of his mind and focus. 

“And that’s our show!” Jon grins and everyone stands, waving out at the audience. 

They’re in fucking New Hampshire. As far from San Francisco as you can get.

They pack up their things and call the uber to get back to the hotel, but not before thanking the venue staff. 

A tall dark-haired woman sidles up to Dan. “You were really great up there.” 

“You think so?” Dan smiles; his cheeks are like something out of an ad for apple picking. They start talking in hushed voices; the woman plays with her hair a bit. 

Off to the side, Tommy grins at Jon and waggles his eyebrows. Jon grins back. 

The woman hands Dan a little piece of paper. 

“Aren’t you glad you came to the show, Dan?” Jon jokes in the uber. 

“Yeah, never say our job doesn’t have perks,” Tommy adds. 

Lovett stays silent. 

The hotel is very tall. Possibly the tallest building in the state. Many floors. Tommy and Jon are on floor 3. Dan and Lovett are on floor 18.

By the time the elevator reaches floor 10, Lovett feels like he’s going to burst. He finds himself following Dan to his hotel room and then when Dan opens his mouth to say something Lovett is sure is clever and funny, Lovett cuts him off. 

He can’t say what he wants to say. He can’t say  _ Why won’t you come out? _

He says, “I’m gay.” 

Dan blinks at him. “Uh. I know.”

“Jon and Tommy know that.” Lovett needs to remember to breathe. “They still care about me. They still invite me to dinner. They don’t think I’m weird or gross or shouldn’t get married. Priyanka knows I’m gay. Travis knows I’m gay. Everyone knows I’m gay! People I don’t know know I’m gay. People might know me just as  _ the gay one _ .” 

Dan blinks. “Jon, is this going somewhere?” 

“Yes!” Lovett feels his voice rise in pitch and volume. “Doesn’t that -“ he gestures to the note sticking out of Dan’s phone case, “bother you? What are you going to do with it? You’re not interested in her! You’re - you’re -“ 

“Jon...” 

“Favs and Tommy don’t care! Of course they don’t care! Dealing with gay disasters is kind of  _ their thing _ !”

Dan sighs, leans back against the little table where the hotel stationery is. “Jon, come on...” 

“I’m just saying! If - If I had -” goddamn it, it’s always all about him, isn’t it, stupid fucking  _ me-me-me _ attitude, but really it’s the truth, “if I had the community you have when I was sixteen -“ 

“Jon!” Dan’s voice is stern, scolding. He stands up straight and Lovett feels every inch Dan has on him in terms of height. “Jon, are you fucking serious?” 

Lovett swallows. 

“I mean it! Are you seriously asking me why I haven’t come out yet?” He crosses his arms. “Don’t you think that’s a bit personal? It’s on my own terms!” 

Lovett nods automatically. “I know.” His voice is quiet, shaky. “I just...” 

Dan frowns, his face full of hurt. “What? What is it?” 

“We - we’re... we’re your family.” Lovett feels old healed edges in his heart crack open again. “ _ I’m _ your family. Did - did you think I wouldn’t accept you, or something?” He laughs, cheerless. “I mean, you  _ know _ me.”

Dan closes his eyes for a moment. When he opens them, Lovett can see dark, true blue irises. “Of course I knew you’d  _ accept _ me. But - Jon, and Tommy, and you - you might treat me differently. And I like how you treat me now.” 

Lovett feels like he’s been slapped. “No we wouldn’t.” 

“Lovett,” Dan insists, “ _ you already do _ .” 

Lovett doesn’t understand. What is Dan talking about? “You’re wrong.” 

“Am I? Lovett, you can barely stand to be in the same room as me when I come to visit.” 

Lovett just stands there. 

“You - you glare at me, you argue and fuss about what I say - I don’t know if it’s a problem with attention, or what. Maybe it’s just that it’s weird to see me as me - someone who likes sports and data and someone who wears boring clothes - and also as someone who’s gay. Maybe I’m not what you thought I’d be when you learned I was gay. But you treat me differently, Lovett. I try to make things better, I try to get close to you, but it doesn’t work. You think I want to risk that with Jon and Tommy?”

Lovett shakes his head. “I’m nice to you.” 

“You are - and then you’re not. You’re hot and cold to me. You were never like that, before. For almost a decade, I’ve known where I stood with you. Nowadays, I don’t know if you want to hug me or shout at me.” Dan shakes his head. “Sometimes I wish I could go back and -“ 

Lovett makes a broken, disgusted noise.  _ No _ . 

“Fuck you, Dan.” He shakes his head harder, as if to clear it. “Fuck you for even thinking that. I’m not - I’m not an excuse to go back. I’m a path forward.” 

Dan just stands there, looking away from him at the ceiling. 

His eyes are wet and bright. 

Lovett has never seen Dan cry. 

He leaves without another word, stomping out to the hallway.

\---

Lovett is glad when Dan goes back to San Francisco. Dan deserves that happiness. Deserves a nice older man who loves and appreciates him. 

Lovett deserves nothing except strawberry ice cream and Pundit’s soft fur. 

“Fucking stupid,” he tells Spencer. “Just want my friends to be happy.” 

“I don’t have enough context, I’m sorry,” Spencer says through the phone. “Can you tell me who this is that you upset somehow?” 

“No!” 

\----

It’s two weeks later when Lovett has to get up off the mat whether he likes it or not. 

They’re recording the podcast, and Tommy says something about a man, and suddenly it all clicks. 

That man? Albert Einstein. 

Just kidding - it’s Bernie Sanders. 

“The thing about Bernie - and I think this is true about a lot of Democrats, older Democratic politicians - is that he ushered in something, but he wants to control  _ where  _ that something goes after he’s released it. Like - Medicare for All is out there, now, and there’s going to be different versions of it, and you can’t claim ownership of that idea when your whole thing is getting other people on board with it. If you’re a mentor - you need to know when to step back and let things happen. The question is, when do you step back? What do you think still goes under your area of judgement, of discernment, and what doesn’t?” 

Lovett drops his coffee and it spills all across the table. 

“Oh, shit!” Jon says. “Nice one, Lovett!” 

Lovett is barely listening. 

What do you think goes under your area of judgement, of discernment, and what doesn’t? 

Dan isn’t the same as Lovett. Dan’s not going to be as flamboyant or as open or as willing to disclose his shampoo choices as Lovett is. And Lovett shouldn’t have been pissed that he didn’t do those things.

If Dan were out, he’d still talk about sports, and he’d still self-edit when he felt someone was losing interest. He wouldn’t have to do that around Jon or Tommy or Priyanka or Emily or Travis or Lovett, because they like him enough to stay interested. 

If Dan were out, he’d still feel fussy and shy and private when talking about his partners. And he’d still worry about how other people saw him. 

Part of that is his being closeted. But part of that is just Dan. And there are parts of Dan that the people in San Francisco don’t see, that Lovett has been privileged enough to see from the day they met. 

It took Lovett several decades to get where he is, and sometimes he still slips up - he still keeps relationships close to his chest, he still struggles with dimensions of his own sexuality. 

Dan gets to come out on his own terms. But he also gets to decide what coming out means, too. Lovett can’t decide that for him - Dan may see dangers Lovett doesn’t. 

But Dan’s wrong about one thing. 

Lovett isn’t a danger. 

Lovett’s a goddamn blessing.

\----

“Dan!” Lovett bangs on Dan’s front door so hard it hurts his hand. “Dan, I know you’re in there, open up!” 

How much coffee has he had on the way here? All of it. All the coffee. 

Dan opens the door and Lovett thrusts a bouquet of dyed rainbow roses into Dan’s hands. 

“These are for you.” He shoves his hand into his back pocket. “And this is flower food.” He hands Dan the packet. 

Dan raises his eyebrows. “Hi.” 

“Can I come in? It’s important.” 

“I’m sure it is.” Dan steps aside so Lovett can enter. God, Dan’s place in San Francisco is nice. 

“Okay.” Lovett automatically begins to pace. “So. We fought.” 

“Lovett...” 

“And I want to apologize.” 

Dan sets down the flowers on the counter. “... okay? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you -“ 

“I’m sorry if it seemed like I was pushing you to come out. I’m  _ really _ sorry if it seemed like I was ignoring your concerns with coming out.” Lovett takes a deep breath. “I’ve been - pissed at you, since I saw you at Pride, because I thought you were hiding, when you came to Los Angeles. I thought you were always trying to make yourself seem straight, and you were making yourself unhappy in doing so, for no reason.” 

Dan blinks at him. 

“But - here’s the thing, and maybe it’s obvious to you but not to me -  _ I don’t get to decide what makes you happy and what doesn’t _ . No one does, except you. I just - I saw you here and you’re so happy and free here - and I never considered how much you value your relationships in Los Angeles, just as they are.” He swallows. “I never considered just how much you value our friendship, just as it is. Or was. And I’m sorry I didn’t do that.”

Dan opens his mouth and closes it again, his expression vulnerable and surprised. “It’s... it’s okay.” 

“But here’s the thing - while I do respect that you like things how they are now, I maintain -“ Lovett presses his finger on the counter for emphasis, “I’m  _ sure  _ that by coming out publicly, at the very least, your relationship with  _ me _ , Jonathan Ira Lovett, will not only be different but  _ better _ than it was before.” 

Dan crosses his arms. “Oh?”

“Because you know what, Dan? You’re right! You’re absolutely right. If you came out, publicly, to everyone - I’d treat you differently. Because things would be different! And we can’t know for sure how they’d be different, but - to have someone who you care about and trust next to you, and to know that they’re  _ like _ you, and to know that they’re in the same fight you are, and you can tell them about - about whatever gay news you have on your mind and they _ get it _ \- God, Dan, that is irreplaceable.” 

Lovett’s heart is racing. His voice is wobbly. 

“You’ve always been my friend, and I’ve always liked you, but -“ Jesus, he cannot start crying, “but the person you are when you’re open? When you’re proud? I - I love that guy. I really do. And I think everyone else in Los Angeles would, too.” 

Is he crying? Is he actually fucking crying? What the fuck. He can’t really be crying - there must be some onions being cut nearby or something. Ragweed. Allergens.

Dan takes a breath - shaky, noisy. He steps forward, as if to hug Lovett, but Lovett holds up a hand. 

In for a penny, in for a pound, you know? 

“Um.” Lovett breathes again. “The, uh, the other reason I think you should come out - and really, I would be with you every step of the way - is. Um.”  _ Spit it out!  _ “I can’t - I can’t date you, if you’re not out. And I’d like to date you. Because I have a bit of a - a - a crush on - on you.” 

Dan’s mouth drops open in a perfect ‘o’.

“So. That’s - you really can ignore this whole part, if you want - that’s a bonus. Or a drawback, depending!” Lovett thinks he might be hysterical, and needs to stop raving. “Anyways.”

Dan sways for a moment, and Lovett thinks,  _ at least I made my point before I ruined our friendship.  _

And then he’s being hugged. 

Dan gives good hugs. Big and warm and enveloping. A squeeze. 

“Thank you,” Dan says, “thank you.” 

Lovett doesn’t know what he’s being thanked for, but he rubs Dan’s back and nods. 

They break away and Dan’s eyes are perfect, pride flag blue. “I’m going to - I’m going to need some time, okay?” 

Lovett nods. Oddly enough, he doesn’t feel anxious to hear about how Dan feels about him. 

This isn’t about him. 

“Take as much time as you need.” Lovett wipes at his eyes and giggles. “I - uh - I actually have to go? I know that sounds awful, but I just left Pundit at home and I need to get back before she gets nervous.” 

Dan chuckles. “Okay.” He leans in for another hug. “Okay.” He pulls away. “Will I see you Monday?” 

“Absolutely.” Lovett grins. “You’re my gay news correspondent.”

\---

The next two days are... peaceful. Lovett expected anxiety, but he doesn’t find it. All he finds is cool, calm peace. He spoke his mind, Dan listened, and no matter what happens, they understand each other better now.

At the end of the day, this really isn’t about him. 

\---

When Dan comes into work that Monday, Lovett is sipping his coffee and looking expectant. 

Dan told him to come in early. Whatever could that mean? 

_ He could be coming in early to turn you down.  _

Lovett isn’t here for that kind of negativity. 

Dan steps into the founder’s office and closes the door behind him. Jon and Tommy, working on something at Tommy’s desk, don’t look up. 

Dan leans over Lovett’s desk. “You ready?” He murmurs. 

“Ready for what?” 

Dan leans over and, so subtly you might miss it, brushes his lips against Lovett’s cheek. 

“A few things.” 

Lovett nods. “I’m ready.”

Dan stands up straight. “Guys?” 

Jon and Tommy look up. 

“I have a couple of announcements. First -“ Dan glances over at lovett, “I might be moving to Los Angeles.” 

Jon raises his eyebrows. “Hey, cool!” 

“Not a done deal yet, but, maybe.” 

“Okay.” Tommy smiles politely. Lovett can tell that he’d rather hear the news when the  _ maybe  _ becomes a  _ definitely.  _

“Second -“ Dan clears his throat, “I’m gay. I've been dating men exclusively, and will, um.” He frowns at his own sentence. “Continue to do so.” 

There’s a moment of silence. 

“Really?” Jon sounds suitably surprised. 

“Yep. Um, this is my coming out publicly, so. If anyone here is wondering... that’s what's up.” 

“Okay.” Tommy’s smile grows softer. “No problem, buddy.” 

“Thanks.” 

Jon awkwardly clears his throat. He and Tommy share a look, and then go back to what they were doing. 

_ Super chill _ , Lovett thinks. _ I can appreciate that approach.  _

“Third,” Dan chirps with a bright smile, “Lovett and I are dating.”

Immediately all hell breaks loose. Tommy’s coffee goes spilling all over the floor; Jon bolts up so quickly he bangs his knee on the table. 

“What?!” Jon exclaims. “When did this happen?!” 

“Why am I always the last one to know about these things?!” Tommy protests.

“Is that why you’re moving to Los Angeles?” 

The door to the office bursts open. “We heard yelling,” Elijah says. “Is everything okay?” 

“Lovett and Dan are dating,” Jon says immediately, pointing at Lovett like the tattletale that he is. 

There are noises from the office. “What?” “Oh my god.” “Wait, Dan’s in LA?” 

Lovett grins up at Dan. “What you expected?” He leans back, pointing his leg up, and nudges Dan’s hip with his shoe.

“No,” Dan says with a smile, “very different.” 

“Yeah?” 

“So much better.”

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Many, many thanks to @fizzy who beta'd this for me, and who is just an all around awesome human being.  
2\. Many thanks to @timesinbetween for asking in an unrelated danlo chatfic, "is this why Dan moved to San Francisco?" and inspiring this.  
3\. Title is from "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid.


End file.
